talking to myself

   i think i talk to myself more then i should...
like i go over full on conversations with the 2 sides of me that like to battle it out. (and both make very convincing arguments.)

   ....have you ever had to referee  your heart and your head? or try and balance out the consequences of two choices that could define some part of you, but that maybe you would rather just keep blurry?
    do you ever you feel an overwhelming pressure... like some one is right behind you, threatening to push you in and you need to decide if you are gonna sink or swim?
 that one side says "don't fight it, just let what happens happen." or the opposite which says "fight back, and if there is time maybe freakin' push the other guy in!"

   have i ever told you how much i strongly dislike confrontation? i will avoid a fight at almost any cost. (but when i do, i like to win)
   but most of the time i back down and fold, to just keep the peace. i swallow my pride, i walk away, and i just let it go. but there is no walking away from yourself. and the line has been drawn and i need to choose which side of it i want to stand on.

  have i ever told you how amazingly indecisive i am!?
so i find my self doing this silly little two step dance back and forth over the line and i am getting tired. and kind of just want someone to push me already! and make up my mind so i don't have to. or so i don't have to feel the full consequence of my choice because it really wasn't me who decided in the end.
   do you ever get tired of trying and just throw your hands up and cry??...because you know even if you try your hardest, it might not turn out right or all your effort will not only be wasted but mocked!!?  

....yeah, i hate deciding what to cook for dinner too!  :)