mary at the temple

Last year i was asked to play the part of “Mary at the temple” for our young women activity, we were going to do a 4 part piece on the life of Jesus, through Mary’s eyes. And  i was asked to write and perform a narrative on these scripture verses (luke 2: 40-52) and what i learned from them. Unfortunately due to illness the activity was canceled and i never got to share my thoughts but as i was listening to mary’s lullaby i was reminded of this bit of writing that i had worked on and felt like maybe i would share it…

Mary at the temple

by Alina Lyman

Not much is written, about the years i spent raising and mothering Jesus, which was probably a blessing now that i think about it.  You can’t imagine the pressure it was like to raise the literal son of god. The savior of the world!  To hold such an incredible responsibility in my hands, knowing for whatever reason GOD trusted me to raise and teach his choice spirit. It Was so humbling. So i continually pondered and i prayed and i  kept  all of those precious moments i got to spend raising Jesus deep within my heart. For i knew one day, and all too soon, i would have to surrender him to the world.

You all may have heard this story before, but when my son was 12 years old, he gave me a little taste of what losing him would feel like.

We traveled to Jerusalem, as was tradition in our family, for the feast of the Passover.  We were all so excited! it's a wonderful time to be with  family and friends, as we remember the great exodus, and the miracles that the Lord blessed his people with preceding the freeing of the Jews from Egypt.  We had a good size group that year! And everything went so well! When the festivities had ended we started for home, we walked for a day, supposing that Jesus was with his cousins, but when we went to go and fetch him we realized he was not in the company!!  

Have you ever lost something precious to you? Something that was placed in your care?  I don't know if there are words to describe the feeling… panic, fear,shock,disbelief, just to name a few.  My heart, was racing and breaking and hoping all at the same time, for 3 days my heart was sorrowing, how could i have let this happen, how could i not have checked to make sure he was with us! Where could he be? Is he alright? We searched every where and we asked everyone! Until finally we came to the temple…

And there sitting with the doctors and priests,was my lost boy, talking with and teaching  these learned men, astounding them with his grasp of knowledge and understanding…

But when i saw him all i could do was hug him and ask, why would you do this to us! your father and i have been searching for you sorrowing! ….Sorrowing!!!

And he just looked at me with those  knowing eyes of his, and said, how come you were looking for me, know you not that i must be about my father's business?

I didn't understand at the time what he was trying to say to us, so we gathered him up and started for home again. and he was subject to us.. Let me tell you!  But i kept what he said in my heart,  and the memory of that day has taught me a great lesson….a lesson i would like to share with you tonight...

When you are lost… go to the temple. If you have lost someone or something dear to you….go to the temple,  If you feel broken, Go to the temple, for in the temple you will find your answers, you will find your peace, you will find the love of our savior waiting to carry those burdens with you and make them light. In the temple the veil is so thin and we can feel the spirits of those we love and have lost ,the temple  is where broken links are made and mended for time and all eternity!

The temple and the sacred ordinances within their walls  are what my son came to this earth to establish, that link between you and Heavenly Father. I didn't know then but i understand now, that his life was forever seeking and doing the will of his father. I didn't always understand my son,  but i am grateful for the tender moments in which he taught me the lessons, he knew i would ponder in my heart.

Just as i hope you will take the lessons and examples of Jesus and ponder them in your heart, until the day it burns as a strong testimony of him and his love for you! His life was for you! This temple and all its blessings are for you!  And i hope one day you will all be able to enjoy the fullness of the temple as well!

hey grandpa!

i was missing on my grandpa Stevenson a bit tonight, so i decided to write him a letter....

Hey Grandpa!

 You have been in my thoughts a lot lately, for lots of different reasons...one being, i got to teach the young women in church the other Sunday.  i shared the picture of you and William (on his blessing day) as i told how we decided to name him after you, because you were an amazing man, and how i hoped my William would grow to honor his name, just like we should grow to  honor the name of Christ that we take upon ourselves. (I got a little more emotional then i thought i would)

 I also am planning "an evening with the patriarch," where i have invited the stake patriarch and his wife to come have dinner with the young women of our ward, and have the girls get to know him better and ask him questions and learn about the process and importance of receiving a patriarchal  blessing.  i thought, how lucky i was to get my grandpa to give me mine, how i didn't have to worry about  the person giving me the most important personal blessing of my life being a  stranger, or just some guy who didn't know me,  which inspired my idea to have the girls get to know him before hand. ( so i thank you for that.) 

Sometimes i read my blessing and remember vividly the timber in your voice and the warmth of the tears running down my cheeks, as you spoke for God, directly to me. i wish every person could have as wonderful of an experience as mine.

 I don't know if angels are allowed to check  social media, but i hope that if you do and are reading this.... you know how much i loved you and grandma! how sorry i am that i didn't call or write you more often, after her passing,. even tho i wanted to... i was so scared my emotions would get the better of me and i would just end up crying on the phone to you, because of how much i missed her and  how much i missed the man that you were with her by your side, and how i longed to see you smile like you used to and hear you laugh . instead of hearing the sounds of your sobs, and watching you crumble and weep as they closed her casket. which haunted me every time i thought of reaching out to you.

But now that some time has passed i am noticing i am remembering more and more, the good memories i had with you both, and realizing just how much you have helped shape my life for good. in little quite ways, but that some how reach deep into my heart. (so thank you for that too! )

And thank you for watching out for me  while on the other side, i have felt your presence in my life, and am grateful for the reminders that you are still here, just in a different way. i hold on to your faith, and the faith you helped instill in my parents, when this world kind of shakes mine up a bit.  i know God better because of you both. 

I miss you tonight and for always.

 till we meet again

love,

alina 

glimpses....

Outside my window...
i see a the apartment parking lot... strangers and Asian flight students ..coming and going to where ever their lives are taking them, and i wonder where my own life is headed.

I am grateful...
i am grateful for the baby steps we continue to make back towards the path we want to be on... i have felt very misplaced the last 2 years and feel like i have lost my way, my direction and maybe even a little bit of faith.. but Gods tender mercies show, that  even when i feel like he is ignoring me, he is there when i really need him! that i might not feel him with me, every hour of every day. sometimes his presence is only felt for a moment, but in that moment my faith has been renewed. and i know as i keep collecting these moments of feeling his love for me in my life, my relationship with him will keep growing. and i will be more sure of his love and awareness of me, and the plan he has laid out for my life.

I am thinking about...
The future, how kids grow up so fast! how resilient their spirits are and  how grateful i am for that.i have been thinking of what truly matters to me, and how i can capitalize on these fleeting years of childhood and make each day count. life is too short to be stuck to long in unhappiness and discontent.

From the schoolroom...
i still have no schoolroom .. but... i have a sofa that is great for reading stories all squished together on and a table for experiments, activities and discussions. a library card and a car that can take us on any grand learning adventure we so desire. Life is good. Tho we have been doing a lot of geology stuff to prepare for our trip to Utah in May, when we will go visit Bree and Jacob before they move to Iowa. 

From the kitchen...
i have been experimenting with new recipes like this one Janee shared with me...

Tom Kha Gai 

KIDS LOVED IT!! ( Shawn not so much! )

I am reading...
The Chronicles of Narnia books with my kids.

Shawn got this beautiful compilation of them for Christmas, and it has been well loved! 

 it has been an amazing journey so far and i love the deep spiritual discussions these books facilitate...we are on The Horse and his Boy right now and have had some amazing conversations about the nature of God, About how he has a plan and is a part of each of our lives if we know it or not. and i just really feel like it adds so much to our morning devotionals. 

I am hoping...
that we find a house soon, that our prayers will be answered and wounds will be healed.


I am praying...
to be lead by the Spirit, to understand better when He is talking to me, and to have the faith to act on His promptings.

A few plans for the rest of the week...
to put an offer on a house!! (fingers crossed) 

a picture to share...

some dress up fun!

special moments

I wanted to capture a sweet moment I had with Ivy today, as we were having our "primary time" or i guess you could also call it our "morning devotional" i was talking about how important it was to set goals for our future. and i asked the kids, what they saw them selves accomplishing in life... sweet Ivy said, "i want to be a mom and have a family!" and i asked her," so you want to get married?" and she enthusiastically nodded her head! i then asked her where she wanted to get married and with out hesitation she said, "i want to get married in the Salt lake temple!"

To be honest i was a little taken aback by this, and so i pressed, "why the salt lake temple?"
and she recounted to me this...

"It's hard to explain but, you know that part in The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe where the kids hear the name of Aslan for the first time? ...

well that is how I felt when we went, and I saw that Temple for the first time!  I just knew ever since then that, That was my temple!"

This was wonderful to me for a few reasons,

 one... is she is listening and retaining and relating to characters in the stories we read together!

and 

two,... she connected the feelings she felt at the temple to the spirit.
and she remembers that feeling so vividly she could attach it to the way the kids felt when hearing about Aslan (who is know by another name in our world)

 It just made my heart happy to hear her share her special moment with me, and stand behind it with such conviction! even tho i raised my eyebrows at her choice of that particular temple.

But it truly is a magical place isn't it!?

So it looks like i will have to prep myself for a Utah wedding  in our distant future!

 Pinterest here i come! 

adventures at the wash

To celebrate the spring equinox,  we went for a morning stroll through our favorite park and explored the wash that boarders it. there was so much life abuzz about us! from the many butterflies to the little ground squirrels to the ginormous snake! (more on that one later)
 It truly was a picturesque morning! and we had many great adventures!

lets start with adventure number one ...

the whole reason this park is one of Williams favorites is because of this huge lizard, that we found there 2 years ago and every time we go it is Williams goal to hunt, find and finally catch him, all the while i am hoping we don't ever to get too close to him, because, well he is a huge fatty lizard and i have visions of him jumping from the branch of a tree and going straight for the jugular.... or in my second slightly less traumatic imagining is that William finally catches it, only the second he holds his prize up triumphantly, it bites  his finger off!  like really!...  this lizard and i have had a stare down on more then one occasion and i think we both know who would come out victorious in this little game we play! (and it's not me! just so we are clear.)

so today William was on the hunt and, i swear i don't know how he does it, but William spotted him from a good 50 feet  away hiding in a bush! so, i grab my camera! zoom in, as far as i can! and snap a pic, before it plays out the way it has for the last 2 years ...we get with in 5 feet of him and he magically disappears! he might be part dragon or have some invisibility cloak? it's hard to say, but it has got some impressive skill sets!  so today i will share the documentation of said  invisible dragon lizard mystical beast!

                              **remember this is zoomed way in from the far side of the wash!

(and for those of you wondering, yes! William has already identified him as a Clarks Spiny Lizard)

so if that wasn't excitement enough....

adventure number 2...

as we are walking the kids were pointing out the different types of butterflies  they saw and found a few birds nests hiding in the trees and brush....

and bringing me pretty pieces or quarts crystals, and broken glass, flowering weeds and pine cones...

                                             i call all these wonderful things "kid treasures"

and before long i stop in my tracks! because maybe 4 feet away from me i see a huge snake, resting by some rocks in our path!  i shout to the kids to get be hind me! it looked kind of like a rattlesnake... and it was definitely big enough to be one! i get myself and the kids up on to the bank of the other side of the wash Ivy is crying.... William is cautiously curious and i am all " i got to take a picture!!!"

 We all stare at it watching to see if it will move, so we can continue our sojourn... a few minutes pass and i am like" hmmm is that even a rattle snake?"
so William says "lets see if we can make it move or rattle".. so from the safety of our ledge we start throwing small sticks and rocks by the snake to see if it would react ..(awesome parenting, i know!) .....nothing....
"is it dead?" i thought.
so i threw a stick at it and it bounced right off ! with no response from the snake what so ever...
so i am like "ok i have to check this out".. mean while ivy is screaming "NO MOM!! NO!!"
and William is like "GO! MOM GO!!
and i decide i am gonna throw something at it one more time just to make sure....
so i did and again nothing... so i walk up to it and notice yeah this thing is dead i could see that a dog or coyote must have gotten it because it had puncture wounds around its neck...(do snakes have a neck? are snakes just necks?  hmm.) anyway, lets just say right behind his head. i  go in to get a closer look... and "NO RATTLE!" William shouts, and i jump a few feet back in surprise, i didn't realize both kids were at my side! (heart attack!) so in the few seconds it took me to figure out the sound was not the snake, but my son quickly going to work to identify  what kind of snake it was! i begin to hypothesize with him....which he just rolled his eyes at all my ideas... and said no mom this is clearly a gopher snake... and then begins to tell me all about how gopher snakes like to pretend to be rattlesnakes, how they have similar features  and how they rattle there tails and make hissing noises that replicates the sound of a rattle and i am all like... how do you even know all this stuff!! (thank you phoenix public library)
 just out of curiosity i was like" how big do you think this snake is?" so we got a stick and straighten him out.....
                                               guys!! he was a good 6+ foot snake!!

so we bid farewell to the poor snake and said a little prayer for it's spirit, as he must have been a good snake to get to be such an impressive size.  and headed home for some peanut butter and honey sandwiches!

i'm half the man i wanted to be....

Depression. i don't know, i guess the 1st time i noticed something was wrong was when i was 13. it was my birthday, and i was sad and for no real reason. i had been crying a lot more then i ever had. and i just became hyper sensitive to everything! i noticed all of my character flaws and short comings. on top of self esteem/image issues. and the endless bullying by both kids and adults,  just reconfirmed all the feelings of inadequacy i was placing on myself.

i remember talking to a friend on the school bus who was also going through feelings of depression and her showing me huge cuts on her arms, " she said last night i tried to kill myself and my parents didn't even care! no one even noticed! i think that's when i first got the idea to cut myself... not to kill myself or to get attention, but the way the scars looked the way the skin was red and elevated and scabby, something about that image struck a chord within me. and i related to that hurt skin.

  i feel like cuts and scars mean that a person had "gone through something", and even tho you don't know what the details of the "scars story" is,  that there it is, an outward manifestation of trauma. a story with out words... and i think that is why i first started cutting, i didn't have words to explain my pain. i didn't understand the cause of it, but man did i feel it. and that pain kept growing and growing and building and i kept trying to push it away, or pretend nothing was wrong, because i had no words. i had no story or explanation as to why i felt what i was feeling.

so i was 13 and i made my first cut, it was the first time i had physical proof that something was wrong within me.  it was easy to cover and explain away the scabs, after all, i am, and always have been extremely clumsy!  so no one thought twice  when they noticed a band-aid or scab . and these little lies were the beginning of me loosing grips with myself and who i was becoming. the first tendrils of my spin towards self destruction.

i am not going to go into all the details of my past, the struggles i went through or the fight i continue to face on the daily, in this post, but i just felt like when i heard this song,...it was me. so much so i wept that someone else had to have gone through similar things to be able to write  such a perfectly worded lyric about what its like to live with depression/addiction and wear mask after mask. to say "i'm ok" when inside you really aren't. to want to be and do so much more then what your sickness allows you to be, or the inability to see yourself the way other people see you. ( and i am talking about the good traits people who love you see) because there are days when i  feel so unlovable and so worthless and its easy to want to break down and give back into the old coping tactics in those moments.

but i have found ... there is hope, there is a healer who can help us through the darkness even if he has to help us with every step of every day. the pain might not ever go away completely  but he can make it manageable. and our lives mean something. our pain and experiences can be useful to help other people...
   the other day i was talking with my dad, and he said something that was really healing for my heart, he said as difficult as "that time" was in our life, and tho i would never want to go through that again, my "mental breakdown" has helped him in his callings to understand more fully and be more empathetic to, and better equipped to handle the situations and people who struggle with mental illness.

To know that God had a purpose for my pain, in even a small way to be used for good, builds my testimony that he has a plan.

Dealing with depression sucks....

Dealing with depression sucks.... 
but this song has brought my soul some comfort today as i sang the words that echo the needs of my heart; for God to help, and be with me on days like today, where i just feel swallowed up in the darkness of this stupid disease.

 i was on the brink of more tears and helplessness as the idea came to me: to video me singing the words that played over in my mind all morning...
so YES , i had been crying, YEs, my hair isn't done and Yes, i know i look a mess ... but when i made this clip i felt it important to be as honest with its delivery and where i was coming from as possible... so i hope the spirit of this song will shine past my rendition of it. and bring some comfort to anyone who feels they need God to hold them a little closer today...

Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;

1. The darkness deepens; Lord, with me abide;
   When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
   Help of the helpless, oh, abide with me.
2. Swift to its close ebbs out life’s little day;
   Earth’s joys grow dim, its glories pass away;
   Change and decay in all around I see—
   O Thou who changest not, abide with me.
3. I need Thy presence every passing hour;
   What but Thy grace can foil the tempter’s pow’r?
   Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
   Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.
4. I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;
   Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness;
   Where is death’s sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
   I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.
5. Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
   Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies;
   Heav’n’s morning breaks, and earth’s vain shadows flee;
   In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.