when i sang

So for the past month i have been really struggling with my depression. some days more then others. And feeling  misplaced in many aspects of my life lately, haven't helped.
    The crazy thing about depression is that you cry for no reason, you are sad for no reason! you hurt for no reason! and so its hard to articulate the source of these emotions. so i like to blame them on small trivial things like 

"some one looked and me wrong, so they must hate me", 

or 

"i didn't get all the things done i was supposed to, so that makes me a terrible wife" 

 to 

 "the kids aren't behaving, so there for i must suck as a mother".

and then to top it all off

"i am loosing my hair! gaining weight, and i got another wrinkle ... who is going to love me now?!" 

 Honestly the anxiety can get so bad, some days i can't find the will to leave the house.
    So i have been turning to my Savior for the comfort and direction His atonement offers. i know He has felt every ounce of fear and sorrow and anxiety i am experiencing, and then some! so it's on Him, i have decided to rely.....and it helps me. Though He doesn't always take it all away, i feel like when i turn to Him, i can make it through the day for the most part, and function as a normal human being.  but one night i just fell apart. and i hit the floor, got on my knees and cried... remembering this truth...

and after uttering some undecipherable words,and pouring my heart out to the lord through tears, i fell asleep on a very wet pillow...

Only to be awoken by a familiar voice saying "Alina get up!" to which i replied with my usual ...roll over and grumbled "no" as i pulled the blanket over my head, the voice said it again, and this time i opened my eyes as i realized i knew this voice! OPA!! as i turned to confirm who it was, i felt his hands start propping me up while simultaneously  rubbing my shoulders in the firm, yet slightly uncomfortable way he always did! 

(no joke! he gave rough neck/shoulder massages that felt something like this!!)

and i knew it was my Opa!! even though he looked different from the bearded, grey haired, Santa like man i remember, his warm eyes gave him away, and i gave him an unreserved hug in return!
    we talked for a little while, about this and that, and then he started to lead me deeper into a conversation i really needed to hear,(i am keeping the specifics vague, as they were sacred to me) but as he spoke, he drew me a picture of how the Lord sees me, and though his sketching abilities where "not the most flattering", the words he painted as he drew each feature, each smile line and curve, were exactly what i needed to hear, and that when the drawling was complete, i knew the value of every imperfection and scar. And i knew my worth was so much more eternal, then what i see in the mirror. 
     He then went on to talk about my talents,and how he watches over me, and how proud he was of what i have been doing, but he said " Alina, what we really miss, is hearing you sing. We want you to sing again." and i knew when he said "we" he was talking about Heavenly Father.
     And in an instant, it was like a flood gate was opened, and memories of the happiness i had experienced  though out my life because of singing washed over me...visions of me singing in the tub as a child, singing along to the radio in the car, in school choirs, church programs, with my siblings, or while rocking my own babies to sleep to even while just doing the dishes...and it hit me like a rock as i realized... i have stopped singing.  
   and then i woke up.... crying again. but this time for a tender mercy i know the Lord granted to me. In allowing me to be visited by my dearly beloved and dearly missed grandfather, to hand deliver a message of comfort and hope and love, and to remind me, (in a way no one on earth could have) who i am, to help me see my worth, and remind me whats really important in this life, and where i need to improve. and where to start... with singing.
 a song popped in my head (its funny how they always do that), its by cherie call and i feel like it fits...

 when i sang

There were pictures everywhere
And my teacher said that this was His house, 
So I knew He must be there.
And even though I never saw His face
I know He walked the halls, 
And I knew that He could hear
When I sang that I could be His sunbeam
That I could love my neighbor
That I could fold my arms and bow my head
And I knew He was just around the corner
In the light behind the stained glass
I wasn't quite sure where,
But He was always there

When my freckles went away
And all the dresses and the lace-trimmed socks 
Began to get too small
I saw churches everywhere, I saw so many children go inside
And I wondered if He knew my name at all
But I sang that I would be my brother's keeper
And I felt the tempest raging
But I kept singing "Peace, peace, be still"
And I hoped that He was still around the corner
In the light behind the stained glass
I searched everywhere
And He was always there

And I stand all amazed
Confused at he grace He gives to me
With all the ways I wander
A pilgrim and a stranger
But in the distance I can always see 
The light that kindly leads

I am older now
But every day I try to be a little more
Like the child I used to be
And I think the times 
I start to feel that way the most
Are the moments that I pray
And when I raise my voice to sing
To praise the Lord Almighty
The King of Creation
Somehow I know that He can hear
By the way my spirit trembles
He's just around the corner
In the light behind the stained glass
It doesn't matter where
He is always there

i have realized how much music has shaped  my testimony, and brought me an understanding and closeness to God that no other form of spiritual training has even come close to. That through singing i find deep happiness  peace and reverence in a crazy, scary world. especially when my song, is in praise to my maker. And i am glad to be reminded of that.