and yet i have managed to loose myself some where along the line striving to become that perfect person. driving my self crazy and beating myself up chasing this idealistic version of myself...changing for that person in this way, and bending to avoid hurting some one else in another way, while feeling enormous guilt for the tiniest deviance to the level of perfection i am supposed to possess. its enough to make me want to just throw every thing up in the air and be done!
and yet... the other day William wanted me to do some origami with him... so we picked a simple pattern and we tried fallowing the directions.... for hours i folded and unfolded, i read and reread instructions to no avail... frustrated that this stupid little folded up piece of paper wasn't working, i did just that, i threw the darn thing across the room and told William..." i am sorry its just to hard for mom! i have tried and tried and i am done! i cant get it right! and I'm not doing it any more!" William just looked at me with those big fantastic eyes of his, picked up the crumpled, overly creased supposed to be paper crab and said " mom i know its hard. but dad says that the "reward is in the challenge." he then gave the failed attempt a good look over, smiled and said besides you tried really hard and it looks like a good crab to me!" then he took it for what it was, and played happily with it the rest of the morning.
some times i wonder if heavenly father could be that forgiving of us, that he sees our clumsy attempts at perfection and says " hey i have seen you try so hard, and thanks for spending the time and effort in my behalf... and even tho its not exactly how it was supposed to turn out.. its still good."
which then got me to thinking...and am i OK with just being good? can i forgive myself for my imperfections or for my failed attempts and just be happy in knowing i am enough? letting go of the idea or the need for perfection and still being good has been a hard balance for me. (i am kind of all or nothing)
so i am trying to change my view, and see myself the way i hope the Lord does, as his daughter with amazing worth, who is greatly loved and who has the potential to do great things... even tho its hard, that he sees and accepts my efforts. and in turn learn to trust that my efforts are enough, and that even tho i am not as i should be, through Jesus and the miracle of the atonement maybe one day i will be perfect in him.
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